


An Ex-Angel, A Businessman, and A Soulless Humanoid Walk Into A Bar…

by fem_castielnovak



Series: WORST HUNTING TEAM EVER [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M, Soulless Sam Winchester, Walk Into A Bar, bar shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-15 01:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4588110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fem_castielnovak/pseuds/fem_castielnovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on blowjobcas’s prompt: supernatural au where everything’s the same except it’s presented as a dark comedy with team free will being composed of soulless sam, dean smith, and endverse cas.<br/>---------------------<br/></p><p>The title says it all</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ex-Angel, A Businessman, and A Soulless Humanoid Walk Into A Bar…

 

 

Sam comes back to their table carrying their order on a tray.  Without preface Cas asks him, “What’s the punchline?”

“What punchline?” Dean asks, munching on his fries.

“You know; an ex-angel, a businessman, and a soulless humanoid walk into a bar. The soulless man tells the bartender, ‘I’ll have a bottle of vodka, an order of fries, and a pitcher of beer.’ … What’s the punchline?”

“Punchline?” Sam asks rhetorically. He swallows his vodka shot. “Hm. Okay, the businessman goes home with someone and the soulless man doesn’t kill the ex-angel.”

“No one’s laughing, Sam,” Dean says indignantly. He looks at his hands and quickly wipes his salty fingers on a rough paper napkin rather than lick them as he’s inclined to do.

Sam shrugs, “I thought it was funny.”

“Besides we’re here for a case. All that alcohol you just bought is about to be wasted because I’m not hunting with two stoned partners.”

“For your information, I came with you this evening mostly sober. The experience is not warranting repeat behavior in the future,” Cas sneaks a fry off of Dean’s plate. “Far less golden then you tend to make it out to be.”

“Look around, Dean. Does it look like there are any vampires here to you? No. And we have no leads and we won’t get any until we do interviews tomorrow.”

Cas pops another fry into his mouth, “When was the last time you even went to a bar?”

Dean opens his mouth, ready with a retort but Sam amends; “To get _laid_. Not for visiting the Roadhouse or meeting with someone from work.”

Dean shrugs and avoids eye contact. Cas takes the opportunity to pour himself and Dean glasses of beer. “No time like the present!” He says with a lascivious wink.

At this point, Sam thinks that his old self would have needed to start drinking nonstop for what he could well-see was in store for his two companions. But now he just finds it amusing and intends on keeping to a few glasses of vodka all night to thoroughly enjoy the full scope of their situation.

Like a good wing-man (no pun… okay, pun fully intended), Cas takes Dean up to the bar and starts helping him pick out potential lays. He plays it up well and Dean flirts like the pro that he is, quickly brushing off the dust. To Mr. Smith’s dismay, however, he finds that each time he gets to sealing the deal – a part of this mating ritual he’s never found trouble with before – it turns out that they were looking to have a threesome with Dean and Cas. Each time, Dean manages to splutter bashfully and hastily excuse himself. With each failed attempt, Dean grows a little more visibly strained. He spends the gap between efforts at the bar, getting more intoxicated all the while.

Sam thinks that if Dean would just pay attention, he’d realize that Cas is putting the notion in the women’s minds. At one point he’s sure that a woman they try has realized what’s going on, or at least that Cas and Dean are attracted to each other, because he hears her say “You know, it’s still gay if it’s in a threeway.” That only makes Dean huff and turn away to catch the bartender’s attention once more to ask for a shot of whiskey.

This routine continues for several hours and Sam maintains a steady sense of amusement. When Cas climbs up on the bar and gets Dean to do body shots off of him, Sam nearly laughs his ass off. He figures that’s as funny as it’s going to get and that the rest will be boring attempts at them slowly and awkwardly making their way to a bed. So Sam approaches the snarky, “three-way” commentator and she takes him back to her place.

Dean and Cas, however, spend another hour at the bar. They get a small crowd itching to watch hot guys do body shots off of each other and Dean and Cas eagerly comply for several rounds.

Cas, straddling Dean’s stomach up on the blessedly wide bar, licks a stripe of salt up from between Dean’s pecs, swallows, and exclaims, “Blowjobs!”

Dean just giggles and keeps looking at the ceiling. Cas clambers down off the bar and pushes Dean’s legs to either side of it and leaves them dangling. He gathers handfuls of the bills that have been tossed and lain out for them as tips for their performance. The few remaining members of their audience cheer as Cas thrusts some of the bills at the bartender and demands: “A line of however many blowjob shots that will buy me.” The bartender grins at the scene underway and complies.

Cas pulls Dean up into a sitting position and helps him off the bar but once Dean’s standing (swaying), Cas nearly presses him back into the bar as he whispers, “Watch, and repeat after me,” looking Dean dead in his lust-blown eyes.

He doesn’t get halfway through the line of shots before Dean’s yanking him into a sloppy kiss.

Stumbling into the street and down the sidewalk, they make out all the way back to their motel room.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Exits are to your left, your right, and your rear, restrooms are to the front, Kudos and comments are found below, and as always very appreciated. Thank you for flying Air fem-castielnovak.


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